How to Attain the "Wall of Fame*"
(Aka - The Recipe for Disaster)
By: Matt Wallace
For those of you not in the know, the "Wall of Fame" is a hallowed shrine in which some of the most ridiculous pass outs ever have been chronicled on the Acousticwood web site. The Wall, as it will be known henceforth, has been known to evoke a variety of emotions and reactions. Uproarious laughter, disgusted headshakes, and comments like, "What the hell's wrong with that asshole?" or "What was that guy thinking?" are common reactions when one visits the sacred web page. But another, more pressing emotion often emerges - "How do I get there?" To tackle this question for the ages, one must first consider if they want to make the sacrifices necessary to achieve such lofty status as well as ask themselves "Do I really want my drunk, passed-out picture posted on a flipping web site?" Hell, to this point only 4 men have had what it takes to make it to immortalized status. But wait, you say - you know for a fact that just 2 weeks ago your condition would've put you on the Wall, hands down. STOP, I guarantee that the one main, essential ingredient was missing in your personal situation. So without further ado, I present to you the:
"Recipe for Disaster"
DISCLAIMER: THE AUTHOR OF THE FOLLOWING RECIPE IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURIES, BE THEY MENTAL OR PHYSICAL, OR ANY REPERCUSSIONS WHAT-SO-EVER SHOULD SOMEONE FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS OF THIS RECIPE IN AN ATTEMPT TO ATTAIN 'WALL' STATUS OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON FOR THAT MATTER. IN OTHER WORDS, IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS DON'T FUCKING COME CRYING TO ME.
First of all, one must realize that the following recipe is given in relative terms. This is due to the fact that each individual possesses unique attributes that determine what it will take to get blasted enough to pass out and get 45lbs. free weights, among other things, put on your legs and not move a freaking muscle. Body type & weight, tolerance to alcohol, eating habbits, sleeping habbits, and a myriad of other things all factor in. Another point to be made before we begin is that this is the most efficient, one-day, self-induced method to attain the Wall. I'm sure that a weeklong coke binge, or a night out with Pittrizzi would do the trick. With that in mind, lets begin.
First the main ingredients:
- One part copious (as determined by body weight) amounts of alcohol (i.e.- 1/5 of hard liquor and a suitcase of your choice)
- One part extra alcohol (i.e.- someone else's stash)
- Two parts of an entire day w/no responsibilities (i.e.- a Saturday or Sunday during football season)**
- Two parts a fellow group of drunks, one of which owns a camera, and several of which have no desire to get to the Wall (i.e.- The CHUDS)
- A half a part of good, stank pot (optional - but highly recommended)
- A half a part of your favorite cigarettes (optional - only facilitates the latter steps)
- A whole lotta part of "I don't give a fuck" attitude
These constitue the main ingredients that will help you on your way to being immortalized. First, go out the night berfore your attempt, get shitty, wake up early and move to step 2. Now acquire your ingredients and make sure your alcohol is stashed in a user-unfriendly environment, by this I mean somewhere that it won't get dieseled before you do. Next, purge your mind of the thought of food, as this substance will only hinder the process. Then, start the morning off with a few thick, milky ones. If you need an explanation of that, put this down and go to church. Wash that down with your first frosty one of the day, which, ideally, hasn't reached noon yet. Now plan out a solid day of football games, poker, video games, or any other inane activity that requires next to no actual brain activity. Proceed to next beer. You've now got a nice good mental and physical state to expand upon.
From here you need to continue drinking beer at a steady pace, regardless of what anyone may say, imply, or otherwise attempt to do to discourage your heroic efforts.
When you become nice and toasted, sit back, relax, and take some more bingers. Again, if you need clarification, you're probably late for bible study so don't let this article keep you any longer. For you cigarette smokers out there you should be at least half done w/ a full pack by noon. (or 2-3 hours into your attempt if last night kept you in bed past noon).
Here we come to a crossroads that separates the Wall members from the ordinary, average boozehound. One must commit him-or herself to doing what's necessary to try and attain the Wall. Most normal people would take a nap, wake up sober and refreshed, and continue with a nice evening. But if you were normal you wouldn't be trying this now would you? It is here that one must commit themselves to finishing, or at least trying to finish, every last drop of alcohol in onces environs. Here is also the only point where a nice snack may do you some good. Nothing fancy mind you, and not too much. A whole meal would only serve to fill your belly (taking up valuable space for more alcohol) and may very well put you to sleep. So, now that you've committed yourself begin to do what I like to refer to as "cross the streams." A "Ghostbusters" reference, this means quite simply mixing your substance of choice. In other words, start making liquor drinks. Not girly liquor drinks, but nice stiff half-and-halves. By now you should be progressing into the evening when most normal people begin to start drinking. Continue these processes - drinking, smoking, and toking - until you can't see straight. Keep it up. At some point you'll lose all rational thought and you're running on fumes. MAKE SURE that the group of drinking buddies is well into their evening, sit down in the common area. This is the most important step, because who the hell is going to take your picture? And now let things take their course. If your group of friends are drunk enough, pathetic enough, and devious enough it should only be a matter of time before you've been fucked with enough to warrant someone insisting on photographing your drunken state. Creativity is always a welcome attribute of the group as well. If yo uwake up while getting fucked with, don't be a Sally, flip out, and say throw someone down a flight of stairs. Get up, wipe it off, and take it like a man, and start drinking again.
The final step is the morning after. Usually you'll wake up where you passed out. Go wash yourself off and get in bed. If you've succeeded, when you wake up you'll know exactly what happened and everyone will get a laugh out of it. For gods sake don't get bent out of shape (unless someone shaves your head or eyebrows - legs - fair game - in which case go postal), it's all in good fun (usually), just put it in the memory bank. With that said I leave you to remember what a wise man once said, "Revenge is a dish best served cold."
*Clarification: as the inspiration for the "Wall of Fame," let it be konwn that the correct term for the actual process described above is called "getting Wallaced." The pic post on Acousticwood is referred to as the "Wall of Fame."
**For extra excitement and challenge, attempt this in the middle of your workweek, starting off with happy hour at your favorite local pub and proceeding into the wee hours. Again, I warn thhis my lead to termination by your employer.
Thought I'd throw in the following visual aid as a reference. Click HERE. Anything out of the pink shaded area and you need to pick up the pace there sparky!
The Wall of Fame